To all of you who’ve made mention through this journey about how “strong” I am, I want to let you in on a little secret: I’m not.

Today I’m feeling not strong at all. In fact I’m sitting in the pumping room at the hospital as I write this crying big tears that just won’t stop.

It is hard to have rules about when and how you can see, touch, hold your own baby. It is hard to have rules about who can see and touch your baby. It is hard to see his head getting so flat on one side (preemie “toaster head”) because all he does all day is lay on his belly with his head to the side (his stats drop everytime he’s on his back). It is hard to see him laying in a pile of spit up because its not his turn to have his bedding changed yet. It is hard to long so bad to have your baby in your arms only to arrive a minute after his feeding has been started so you won’t be able to hold him until 6 hours later. It is hard to stand and stare at him through an isolette for hours on end.

This is all really hard.

I know it is Him who gives me strength, and that’s the strength you always see – His strength through me. But today I’m feeling empty, broken, drained, and exhausted… So I’ll continue to seek that strength with all I have left because I’m in desperate need.

{I don’t mean to sound like such a downer. I am so grateful for the progress Josiah has made, and to be here healthy and alive. But this journey is not all roses, and I had to get real for a minute. Please join me in praying for some extra strength that only He can give. Love you all! Thanks for walking this journey with us – even the yucky days like today.}


2 thoughts on “Strength

  1. James Nelson says:

    I’m sure it all is hard, Sam. Know that you are loved. Your little boy will grow up knowing how awesome you and Andy are and well — you really ARE strong. I mean — you married, Andy, right? LOL.
    I pray for you and your new family every day. Love you all. And can’t wait to hold my new nephew one day soon.
    Hang in there. Let the tears out. They don’t mean you are weak — just human. A beautiful, loving, wonderful mother.
    Hope to see you soon. XO
    (and maybe not send you any more texts meant for Brian, LOL).
    Love you!

  2. Dani Olson says:

    I read this and realize just how strong you really are. NOTHING here says weak to me. You are so strong, because you face all this hard stuff, and keep on going. You are strong, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise (even yourself). Tears are just a way of dealing with this, and they’re bound to come out sometime. So, cry, yell, scream, laugh, enjoy the time you do get to hold Joey, and continue to look forward to the day when he gets to go home with you. Because, that day is coming, and it will be sooner than you think. I’m so thankful that Joey gets to have such a strong mama as you. I couldn’t do it, and you’re taking it head on and rocking it. I love you sis, and I want everything for you. I’m only a text away, don’t hesitate to ask.

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